Margaret Jami is gone.
Today I found out that my birth mother died. It happened on March 9th. Stage 4 lung cancer.
Two of my uncles that I don’t think I’ve ever met in person, found me and called my office phone.
I called one back and he told me what happened. He seems like a gentile and kind man. I don’t know how much he knows of what our relationship was… but he didn’t lean in with any expectations, and I appreciate that.
Towards the end of the conversation he told me he’s proud of me. That I’ve done a lot despite my childhood. I think that was the most difficult part of the conversation. I’ve never in my life had a relative tell me they were proud of me. Part of my heart swelled, and part of me thought, “Where were you when I was seven and alone?”
He said that he would like to meet me and my family. I think I’d like that too, but I know better than to get my hopes up….
She’s been cremated already. My uncle asked if I wanted her ashes… I don’t.
He said they were going to find a time soon to go to the beach and scatter the remains. I don’t know if I want to be a part of that.
What are you supposed to do when you are the child of an abusive and neglectful parent? How do you mourn? What is my part in all of this?
If I were to go scatter her ashes, what would I say?
Thank you for…….. nothing.
You were………. a hurtful parent.
……?
Really, I feel as if I mourned the loss of her years ago.
Maybe now I’m mourning the relationship I never had, and now for sure I never will.
Maybe I’m mourning the opportunity to really mourn; feeling reminded that no matter how much healing happens, I’m still not “normal” or have “normal emotional processes”.
I feel confused. I feel a little sad, and then sadder that I’m not really sad
I feel angry at her all over again.
Clarity would be great.
Hopefully that will come as I go through this.
Thanks for your prayers.
These are pictures of the last time I saw her. Summer of 2009
Posted on April 12, 2017, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.
Tattooed preacher lady's Blog 
You ask some very good questions, questions to which I closely relate. I have found so much forgiveness recently through my exploding walk with the Savior that even abuse is being redeemed. I can’t explain it, I can only testify to it. You’ll find your way.
Your mourning will be a personal as your thumbprint, woven by Jesus. I found my own mourning for my mom… and all the struggles we had because of her mental illness, prescription drug addiction and alcoholism, which caused many strange episodes involving going to graveyards before school to look for ghosts, cops at our house for parent’s fights (mostly her going off on my dad; fire dept for many resuscitating events and others because she imagined everything from gas leaks to aliens, jail and courts, our trips to foster care homes and the County Receiving homes, and lots of embarrassing situations…came in trying to understand her own hurts.
The Lord showed me that “You almost can’t help but love someone when you try and understand them.” and many things were revealed to me from family comments, and much more from the Holy Spirit that allowed me the insight to her pain, and I was so touched with empathy and even experiencing her pain (2 years before she died) that it gave me a peace without understanding, or irrational peace. The Lord even gave me a scripture one day which came from Psalm 55, “I will deliver her soul in peace from the battle which is against her.” (I added “her” where the scripture said “your and you”. I thought, Oh, the Lord will heal her before she goes to heaven. Two years later, outside of the hospital parking lot, and my mom in a sudden coma, I asked the Lord for a scripture of comfort, I opened my bible to that day’s scriptures and the second scripture was Psalm 55 and I realized, this world was too much for my broken momma. He was going to “deliver her soul in peace”…from this world which was just too much for her, but He was going to take her in death.
Exactly 2 days before she went into the coma, I was at her house just to visit (I would spend 2 days a week for a couple of hours to sit with her or just be in the house if she couldn’t come out of her room) and she was in her room the whole time. I yelled “good-bye” and she came out and asked me to pray with her. I said “Yes!” In the middle of my prayer, with her hands trembling in mine she exclaimed with full conviction, “JESUS CHRIST IS LORD!” I stopped praying and looked up and excitedly said, “YES!, YES He is!” I said ” I love you,” and went home. 2 days later I was called from my nearby church to her house, and in the same spot that she declared the Lord, the fire dept. was trying to revive her. They said she responded well, which was a good sign. But in a coma for 5 days, and no brain activity, my dad and my brothers and I had them pull the life support, and she passed away.
My efforts in trying to understand her { and all of her own hurts, background, and her sins (which I became aware of) } had allowed me a love as I came alongside in grace knowing my own junk that made me imperfect, much even shameful and detestable.
The Lord will send you perfectly into this time of mourning and so I know the confusion in part of what you are feeling, so I will pray for you as you journey through this.
Michele, thank you so much for those kind words. They mean more to me then you know.